A Modest Proposal for Modern America

The bright shinning bastion of modern, open-minded and dare I say progressive thought - San Francisco has done it! Just when so many of us may have begun to believe it was not possible they have taken the next great leap forward in the evolution of the species. Forward thinking liberals and the great leaders of the animal rights movement have finally joined together for the benefit of us all.


These super beings of intellectualism and taken a step closer to Nirvana by proposing that all cats and dogs that choose to continue their co-habitation with their hommo sapien caretakers (or partners if you prefer) within the city be educated and then directed to be spade or neutered. Granted, we must lay aside momentarily a grave concern as to whether the terms spay or neuter are even appropriate...as we must never allow any animal to be deprived of its right to choose its gender affiliation freely without allowing a bigoted and male centric society to pre-impose a gender on any being. But I digress that is a crusade that we must temporarily set aside for another time while we celebrate and pay homage to the imminent and glorious victory for equality, freedom and justice in San Francisco.


Finally, ignorant and hateful pet owners will now be educated and then gently prompted by their intelligent and caring governmental officials to do that which they have known all along was truly the right thing anyway. All pet owners will be able join together hand-in-hand in a glorious popular movement to free their cats and dogs from the burden and stigma of unwanted pregnancies. Think of it...no more mother cats having to scrounge in alleyways to find just enough food to feed their babies. No more free loading dead beat dad dogs coercing female dogs into having sex and then abandoning their families as soon as the pups start yapping. No more overcrowding in community vet clinics or humane shelters. No more poor kittens without the opportunity to go to a good obedience school. No more poor little pups who live in an overcrowded kennel without the chance play in the best dog parks or eat organic dog food. Come to think of it if this works...no more unruly kittens or puppies anywhere...no more untrained little runts running around chewing up my Birkenstocks or peeing on my feet outside of Starbucks. No more of those annoying little untrained, mutts and mangy kittens...period. Well, I guess it would mean no more dogs or cats at all I suppose...


But that is not the point, this is a glorious victory for animal rights and progressive thought. It is right. It is good. Better not to have any dogs or cats than to have some of them be homeless or live in poverty. Better to have never lived then to be forced to deal with child bearing and child rearing and what about the canine rape epidemic and societies bias against homosexual and transgender dogs and cats. Better that there be no future generations of dogs and cats than to have them live in a world filled with poverty and war and global warming and republicans who will want to make clothes out of them or use them for cosmetics testing in some lab. Far better that they not exist than be brought into an imperfect world, right?


Surely, the brilliant leaders of San Fran have thought of this and they have developed a program for selective breeding...they must have. We could take the very best and brightest hommo sapien caretakers and have them apply for a license to form a civil union with the very best and brightest cats and dogs perfectly selected for breeding. The male animals would have their semen extracted in a hospital and the females would be artificially inseminated. Eliminating the puritanical constraints of sexual activity for breeding purposes only which merely robs "it" (if you know what I mean) of pleasure anyway. Then shortly after child-birth, I mean animal birth, the little ones would be removed from their parents care and placed in public obedience boarding schools to be raised by highly trained scientists and developmental experts. After bearing one litter, all females would be surgical freed from the strain of future pregnancies and all males would have a similar procedure after enough semen had been extracted to ensure continuation of their positive traits in future generations. Thus freeing this super beings of animal intellectualism to pursue their careers, find themselves and have multiple partners of whatever gender they prefer to co-habitate with.


Clearly, the city officials in San Francisco have thought of this whole program and will be announcing it very soon. We can only hold our breath and wait for the next glorious announcement from San Fransisco...I for one am hoping that they will soon take on the growing and alarming pet health insurance crisis. After all, don't all cats and dogs have a right to free or affordable quality health care? And then they can take on the corporate fat cats of the pet food manufacturing industry that do not use all organic or vegan ingredients and intentionally market fattening foods to kittens and puppies. Or better yet they can seek stiffer regulations for the manufacturing facilities with production methods that utilize carbon producing energy.

Well, more to follow on these exciting developments but know I have got go and let our dog out...I think it just peed on the carpet again...maybe we will move to San Fransisco. Does anyone know if they will even let you drive an old gas guzzling pickup truck with a "What would Reagen do?" bumper sticker on it inside the city limits? I guess it might be fun to find out.